Howard and Ruth in Miami, October 1999
Howard and Ruth in Miami, October 1999
Date: Sun, 27 May 2001 23:46:27 EDT
Subject: Goodbye Ruth Wolf
Goodbye Ruth Wolf
To All of Ruth's Friends --
Our wife/mother, Ruth Wolf, has left us on this day. For those of you who have had the good fortune of knowing her may you be comforted to know that she died as she lived -- with dignity, strength and in peace. Even until the last few days, her time was filled with much joy among her family, especially her new grandson, and all of her friends who made their love for her known with constant visits, phone calls and e-mails.
Please know how very much your support, love and friendship has meant to her.
All of you on the List have provided her over the years with a community that she truly cherished.
With Much Appreciation,
Howard, Dagny and Denise
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Date: Mon, 28 May 2001 08:35:24 EDT
Subject: Ruth Wolf, in her own words
Dearest All,
Ruth Wolf joined the breast cancer list in January 1998, after reading about us in my book As she did everything, Ruth jumped in with both feet, giving and receiving to so many. I always looked forward to her "weekly updates." Her posts were always a terrific combination of down-to-earth spirit, realism and enthusiasm, despite what was, clearly, a difficult situation.
Through her posts and later in person, we met her strong and devoted Howard, and we followed her pride in her daughters Denise and Dagny, and especially Dabny's marriage, pregnancy and the joyous birth of her grandson. And Ruth was gracious and wise enough to continue her updates even into hospice care--as did her dear friend, Jacky.
On this sad day, I thought it would be good to celebrate Ruth's three and a half years on our list if we revisited some of reasons why we came to love this wonderful woman so much. So here is Ruth, in her own words.
Tue, 3 Mar 1998
Dear Debbie,
I have been dealing with bc for 8 yrs. and advanced bc for 3 1/2 yrs. I have a good quality of life and am enjoying life in spite of alot of very aggressive treatments - HDC and stem cell transplant to name a few. Currently I am in a Trial receiving weekly taxol.
Things that help one person cope may not work for someone else. I only can speak for what helps me. Perhaps one of these will be beneficial to you mom.
Below is a list of coping mechanisms I have used:
1. Support Group - a face to face group is extremely beneficial. You realize you are not alone. When I started I went to a breast cancer group which met once a month. It was educational and helped emotionally. Since I am Stage IV I go to a group for advanced cancer, all types, called Living with Cancer. It meets once a week. I call it my "emotional medicine." The down side of group is that people die.
That is very hard. However, the benefits out weigh the down side. In our group anything goes - we cry, we laugh, we get angry etc. (once someone even vomited).
2. Keeping a journal - I found this very helpful. I wrote about my thoughts and feelings. This is different from the book I keep with my med. appts., test results, billing, etc. A journal is private, you can write anything you want without fear of someone else reading it. At times I used language I would never never use verbally. At times of high crisis I write daily, at other times months could go by between entries.
3. Guided imagry - There are some excellent tapes available for the cancer patient.
4. Accept treatment - I always looked at chemo as a gift of life. I think that made it easier for me to accept the side effects.
5. Be good to yourself - I give in to myself, if I'm tired I nap. I treat myself to things. I am thankful for the things I can still do and try to compensate for what I cannot do. Let friends and relatives do for you when needed.
6. Educate myself - I have read everybook on bc I could get my hands on. This list offers a tremendous education. For me "knowledge is power."However, I realize this is not for everyone. For some "ignorance is Bliss" works better.
I am sure others on the list can give you other valuable suggestions. A thought about your mom's oncologist. Have you or she considered changing drs.? Is that a possibility under her insurance? What you said about him would make me very nervous? My onc. knows that unless some major breakthru comes thru I won't be cured given I am Stage IV. However he feels and is working to giving me years of good life. I don't think I'd be comfortable with a dr who didn't think he could help me.
Debbie, your mom's discomfort seem to be from the tx. Don't confuse that with the cancer. As I said I have Stage IV bc and am fortunate at this point to have few symptoms, feel great and can do whatever I want. Your mom may need more time to adjust to all that has happened to her - & it is alot.
My thoughts and prayers are with both of you. Love & Hugs,
Ruth Wolf
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Sun, 5 Sep 1999
Dear Friends,
The topic of having "a good or positive attitude" comes up periodically on the List. Having been dealing with bc for almost 10 yrs. and advanced, Stage IV, bc for 5 1/2 yrs. my thoughts on this subject have evolved and changed thru the years.
When I was first dx. I, as many of you, started reading everything I could find on the subject of bc. Several of these books mentioned that having a good attitude was so important. It was definitely implied that this good attitude was connected with a cure. Well, reading that I decided that even though I didn't quite understand it, I would have the best damn attitude there could be. And for the most part, I think I do. Through continuing treatment, yrs. and yrs. of chemo, radiation, a SCT, etc. I have gone on with my life. Until 2 yrs. ago I continued to work, I have kept involved with family, friends, hobbies, etc. and became involved in volunteerism. Most people who know me, including medical professionals, comment on how well I am handling this. I, however, know no other way.
Even with this so called "good or positive" attitude my disease has continued to progress. Am I supposed to think my attitude wasn't "good& quot; enough. No! I refuse to take any blame or guilt for getting this disease and for its progression.
Over the yrs. I have come to think differently on this subject. Yes, attitude is important. I believe it helps me cope and get thru all we have to face - the chemo, radiation, scan anxiety, side-effects, pain, etc. This is very important. But I do not believe it will get me better. I know others think differently and they have every right to do so. Different things and thoughts work for different people. We do what works best for us as individuals.
Just my thoughts on this subject. Hope I didn't bore you repeating things that have been said before.
Love to all,
Ruth Wolf
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Tue, 9 May 2000
Dear List Friends,
As always I am amazed by the power of this List. Late Friday evening I wrote about my brain mets diagnosis. Since then I received innumerable notes of support, comfort, encouragement, etc. And so quickly, just when I needed them the most. Words are inadequate to express my appreciation. I am overwhelmed. Its a difficult time but I feel you have wrapped me in a warm comforting cocoon and given me the encouragement to fight on. Thank you for that.
I have tried to write individually to all those who wrote to me. If I missed anyone, please excuse me. You are my emotional medicine which is equally as important as the treatments I receive.
Love and thanks,
Ruth, who now has a valid excuse for the dumb and stupid things I do and say.
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Fri, 6 Oct 2000
Dear Listers,
Thank you for the response to my update this week. I wanted to respond to each of you individually but just couldn't. I am feeling fairly good but am slower doing things. Your caring, love and support is really appreciated and helps a lot.
Some have asked how I am coping. Everyone copes differently. What helps me might not be the best for you and what you do to cope might not help me. Let me write about some of my thoughts about this.
Six and a half years ago I was dx. with Stage IV advanced BC. Mets were in my bones. They kept spreading in spite of very aggressive treatments over the years. I decided at that time I would enjoy whatever time I had. I could have chosen to have a pity party but who would that have hurt. No one but me. I am fortunate that I never had pain or trouble walking and have had a good quality of life. If I reacted differently I would have missed some good living. Of course, I realize if I was in pain I would probably have reacted differently. I never wanted to look back and see I wasted good time and life while I was feeling fairly well.
About 3 yrs. ago I came to terms with my morality. It was tough, very difficult.
I made my end of life plans plus funeral (I am not having one) plans. As I said this was quite difficult for me. But I found that it was a relief to have this out of the way.
It freed me to get on with living. I am trying to enjoy each day, not just the special ones like parties and vacations. There is a balance. Most of the time I feel the way I described but I'd be less than honest if I didn't say many nights my pillow is wet.
Again, I thank all of you. Of course, this List is an important part of help me cope.
Love,
Ruth
===
Tue, 3 Apr 2001
As always I am overwhelmed at the response to my present situation. But I shouldn't be as you have always be there for me with love, caring and support.I always feared having a hospital bed, hospice, etc. But hospice has turned out just wonderfully. I am totally comfortable and, as bizarre as it sounds, I am having fun.
I have constant visitors of friends and family. My closest friend was here the other day. Actually she comes everyday. She told me that the next day at work someone asked her how it went -- afterall she was visiting her dying best friend. She answered, "I had so much fun!"
Let me explain. I want to make things easier for Howie afterwards and besides I am a control freak. So what to do with my things? What I have of family jewelry went to my daughters. The rest? I am a shopper and a saver and there is a lot in my collection. Well, we gathered up things and everyone who visits is asked to go "shopping" and pick out something to remember me by. Some of the things have monetary value; others are tokens of remembrance. I have had a ball watching my loved ones pick out something to take with them.
Again, thank you for your unending support. I know I could not have coped without it. Dagny has been printing your responses and reading them to me. They are a constant source of strength.
Seize the day,
Ruth
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Date: Mon, 28 May 2001 00:06:13 +0100
From: Joane Cardinal
The Dead of Breast Cancer*
In cyber fields the daffys blow
between the ether posts row on row
That mark their words - now - of goodbyes... their warmth still bravely singing.... sighs... and people come and people go....
They are the dead of bc - only days ago
they lived, felt - We saw each other's glow. Dreamed,loved and were loved and now we cry as people come and people die.
Mark our struggle with this scourge of sorrow With parted breasts we deafen the dirge of tomorrow By living and loving and laughing and longing Each precious day remains ours to belong in - We cannot rest while daffy's grow......
and people come and people go.....
In cyber fields the daffys glow
Each one standing for someone that we know As they wave, we weep, and give our last goodbyes Our friends have departed....sighed their last sighs Leaving us with memories of their sunny smiles the legacy of their words, the summaries of their trials.
Gone is our friend Ruth, who kept us sustained Donning her hat and brandishing her cane Updating us from her hospice regime
She truly was..... a list Queen.
jcs for Ruth and us......
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Date: Sun, 27 May 2001 21:50:15 -0700
From: Norma Steele
Dear Friends,
Tonight is a very, very sad night for me with the announcement that our dear Ruth Wolfe is no longer with us.
Tonight's passing of Ruth Wolfe is truly a great loss to our Breast Cancer List community. I had the pleasure of meeting and spending some time with Ruth and her husband Howard at the Miami list gathering. I also had a few moments with her at the Kansas City gathering. Both times I came away in awe of the style and optimistic manner in which Ruth dealt with her disease. I thought this is one classy lady.
I will always think of Ruth with her personally designed canes and hats. I will treasure the homemade pink ribbon sucker she made of white chocolate that I bought at the Kansas City auction. I will miss her treatment updates and her sense of humor. And that smile. I will miss that smile.
Live, love and laugh,
Norma Steele
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Date: Mon, 28 May 2001 09:44:45 -0700
From: "David St. Gemme"
All,
I knew when Ruth passed, that this would really kick my butt and, indeed it has. Ruth's posts above are so defining.
I had the misfortune of never knowing her personally. But, I had the great good fortune to know her through her words on this list.
She was just one of those people that had some kind of inner strength, equanimity, and faith. How could I not look up to her as some kind of model? I thought, if only I had that kind of quiet ability to always look to the positive and be able to give, while being ravaged by a dreadful disease. It seems somehow that I've lost some kind of psychological rudder. But, it also seems I'm better off, because she touched me in some positive way.
In an amusing perception, I always thought of Ruth as that knight in Monty Python's, Search for the Holy Grail. The one that gets in a fight and, first loses one arm, then the other, and then one leg and then the other. The whole time, as each catastrophe occurs, he's yelling at his opponent, "Come on, what's the matter, you afraid...had enough yet?" I pictured Ruth as actually getting more psychological mettle, as her condition worsened. Sort of, "This is OK, I can live with this, how are you all doing?" It seemed she had that rare ability to rise above and see some clear horizon that I would never be able to see, if I was in a similar situation. I'm sure that I would have a "Raging into the night..." mindset.
Since I'm the supreme nostalgist, I sometimes thought of what Ruth was like as a little girl, playing, scraping knees, laughing; then thru her teenage years, beginning to date, discovering the joy of new relationships; getting married, having children; moving on thru the self-discovery years of a more mature adulthood; and then, boom, cancer. In this foreshortened view, it wasn't the adult that contracted cancer, it was that little girl and, seen this way, so very sad.
What does one think of at times like this? What do we learn and feel when someone dies? Do we just march on, as if nothing has happened? Or do we try to take a moment to put a stake in the ground, to reflect on what we have learned from the presence of such a shining star? To somehow, make ourselves just a little better, just a little kinder, just a little more of the person that we would so like to be? To wake up in the morning and say, "What can I do today to help someone else out and maybe make someone laugh?" Ruth provided me with an example here.
As I do in these times, I listen to music. In this case, Aimee Mann's, "Wise Up" and "Save Me." And, I just let myself be sad.
We shall miss thee, Ruth, go with God. You inspired and gave so much back.
- David